If July was in peaches—and a notebook

When I walk into Shinjuku, I expect noise. There are musicians with their lips pressed to their microphones in an impassioned, wet kiss; non-maskers shouting and spitting towards a crowd of amblers that tend to grow sparse nearest them; there are politicians with permanent smile fixtures on their faces, and soft spoken people handing out tissues and flyers that read just how and when I should submit myself to the Lord, Jesus Christ. A forlorn looking wooden cross leans against the railing behind them.

I’ve been taking this path a lot recently because I’ve had to make several trips to Sekaido, the art supply store with several floors on the other side of Shinjuku station. 

On my way back home, my phone usually dies—gives up—and I tuck my tangled headphones into my pocket in what now has become a forced ritual of “being here now.” It’s around this time when I realize how the heat is holding my body; the sweat is the eighth layer of skin. Here, sounds of Shinjuku stick to my collarbones like the ninth. 

Just days ago I came upon a white van filled with peaches moments after my phone died. All of the van doors were open, and the colors were falling out: yellow, orange, pink. Fuzz. The vendor was selling them five for 300 yen (about three US dollars). I desperately wanted to buy them—my roommate says biting into a peach means accepting that summer has come. So, summer is to swallow juices—let them drip down your chin or down your wrist. I think of bringing summer to my mouth. My roommate warned me of the mess—I imagine myself on our balcony, leaning over the railing, biting into all five, one by one, in a moment when no one stood below. 

I didn’t buy the peaches.

My computer battery died last Friday. Since then I’ve been writing everything by hand: student notes, essays & articles, and Swallow entries. Afterwards, I type what I’ve written onto Google docs on my phone. As I write this now, in pencil, I can’t help but revel in the pleasure of moving slowly. The novelty of pencil, and the sound of it scratching on a paper surface, was one I had lost. And yet I know it’s Necessary to repair my technology soon, to Return to Pace, or else! one Falls Behind. 

Thoughts don’t have to be so organized or clean when written by hand. I write my real feelings in the margins. Or, Things a former love has written to me recently that I am trying to decipher—I’ve also noticed that some words look nice when grouped together on a page in threes and fours:

arm
leg
Sun 
bend 

shape
new 
Peel

love
right/left 
wrong 

tangle
fingers
pocket

Of the eight students I taught on Saturday, all eight of them spoke of the assasination of former Prime Minister, Shinzo Abe. They were mourning the loss of a person, but more so the illusion of a safety they believed they once had. Some repeated words and phrases were: there hasn’t been an assasination of a leader in Japan for a century / security measures must be revised / revision, revision is necessary / handmade / scared to vote / copycats / be careful on the train—people target those too

At the end of one of my lessons that day, my student asked me if I could answer a question. I said yes. He asked: As an American woman, do you find Tom Hanks handsome? 

And another page of my notebook looks like this:

From F:

I’m not here because of how I feel. 

I’m here because of how you feel. 

After you left me, I knew everything.

I really don’t blame you for not believing me. But I’m trying my best to show you the real. 

If I [can’t] be with you, I don’t want to stay [in Japan] anymore. 

My feelings come second. 

I am here always, and I can’t wait for the moment you talk to me or say what you feel you want. 

I am sorry sometimes it’s not clear how I write to you. I translate it [from] Arabic to English in my mind, then write it. 

And here’s the album I’ve been listening to before my phone dies and the music stops and everything gets louder: 

---

---

Swallow was born in March, 2022. If you find value in my work and want to see it grow, please support by subscribing and sharing it with others. よろしくお願いします。