the Title of everything
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Watching the video made me cry. I was watching an experience of my own; how it felt to be with him, how alone I was. I could feel the full measure of the photos I took, a simple but unburied result of taking my camera everywhere we went, of sitting down again, and again to edit each part and wonder what it meant, or if it would mean something later. I was very insistent with myself about the camera coming with me whenever I was with him, as if the device would later translate what I didn't understand. A part of me was documenting a story—but I didn’t know I was making this. This is a story I didn’t know I was in, and now I am seeing it. I was just a character with motivations, with a spirit that was crushed by others’ motivations. A year of forgetting the pines —A notebook entry from a month and some weeks ago. [ No date ] —condensed, added to, and edited.
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Accidental footage [ June 29th, 2023 ]
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For five days I did a residency / solo-exhibition at Gallery Paradiso in Yoyogi-Uehara. I’m transitioning into the “after” of that now. There was so much, and so many. While at Paradiso with Miho,1 Ippei,2 and guests, I often had to consult my phone for translation. These are the words we most often used, according to my phone’s dictionary search history.
在廊 ざいろう zairou being present in a gallery
覆う おおう oou to cover, to hide
共感 きょうかん kyoukan empathy
通い合おう かよいあう kayoiau to commune
探検 たんけん tankenn exploration
どんより donyori dark, heavy
初心 しょしん shoshin original intention
受けやすい うけやすい ukeyasui susceptible
無防備 むぼうび muboubi vulnerable
効率 こうりつ kouritsu efficiency
向き むき muki direction / orientation
方向 ほうこう houkou direction
配向 はいこう haikou orientation
寄り添う よりそう yorisou to get close to
多様性 たよせい tayosei diversity
留守番 るすばん rusuban house-sitting
メロメロ （する） mero mero (suru) to fall madly in love with
回復 かいふく kaifuku recovery
破片 はへん hahen fragment
全い まったい mattai whole
短絡的 たんらくてき tanrakuteki simplistic (thinking)
余白 よはく yohaku blank space
謙虚 けんきょ kenkyo humble
魂 たましい tamashii soul
ささやく sasayaku to whisper
感受性 かんじゅせい kanjyusei sensitivity
目立つ めだつ medatsu to stand out
生意気 なまいき namaiki impertinent (cheeky)
Apartment
Oil, pencil, and charcoal on canvas 35cm x 45cm
Arabic: نسيت (feminine: forgot)
G i r l
Oil, pencil, charcoal, and poems on canvas 35cm x 45cm
Arabic: أشجار (trees) نسيت (feminine: forgot)
The poem(s) written in English are from Voice on tape. They can also be found in this previous Swallow entry: A year of forgetting the pines.
With
Oil, charcoal, pencil, and poem on canvas 22cm x 27cm
Arabic: نسيت (feminine: forgot)
The poem in the bottom right hand corner is from Voice on tape, and can be read in this Swallow entry: A year of forgetting the pines.
Field notes: a poem that one can recite in either English or Japanese into my grandfather’s tape recorder from 1974. The cassette recorder went entirely unused from 1974 until January 2019, when I brought it to Tokyo from New Hampshire. Though bought by my Lebanese grandad in the U.S., the recorder says Made in Japan on its back. My dad gave this to me for Christmas in 2018, which is the last time I was home.
Field notes is written on the inside of the cover of Artifact I: the camera book I found at a 100 yen store. The poem is painted in black ink onto four separate wooden boards, pictured above, which are intended to be purchased separately to present how Language and Meaning can become fragmented and lost.
poem on wood I & II 21 cm x 29.5 cm poem on wood iii & iv 15 cm x 21 cm
To my delight, several people from diverse walks of life participated in reading and recording Field notes. Over the course of five, very different days in residence at Gallery Paradiso, both English and Japanese poem recitations and thoughts were captured on cassette tape.
The recitations will be re-recorded digitally and partially released here on Swallow later this month. The full cassette tape, titled Field Notes on tape, complete with all voices will soon be available for purchase3. These are special. And I will mail them to you even if you live far, far away.
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When a Google Doc is not given a title, it automatically says “Untitled document.” When a friend sent me her “Untitled document” in Japanese, it read: 無題のドキュメント4. Due to my limited kanji5 knowledge, I did not immediately recognize that this wasn’t a given title, but just the automatically generated word, untitled, in Japanese. Another name for something unnamed.
I don’t remember the taste of Red
24cm x 28.5cm
Acrylic, newspaper, pen & charcoal on wood. This piece was made during a live painting performance in Roppongi on March 15th, 2023. みんなの目の前で描いた6。
Here it is being transported home on its easel by train that night in March.
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some recent notes in my notebook on painting:
Why paint? The story of body—the emotion in Layer and Texture; composition, how something is told—you can Look in different order, you can see different things Why am I frustrated? Because it’s not what I want, or the material and I aren’t moving well together—somebody has to give in In the moment, sometimes it feels like impotence—inability—lack in myself, and it’s terrifying. The impulse then is to “erase,” a want to hide this “self” from everything and everyone—how can I accept it? I found it. I found the suspension—it’s so quiet there, nothing matters, and the paint is there for me. I’m just breathing and listening, and opening, opening, opening
Facing window Photo 35 cm x 44cm
If you are interested in purchasing art from A year of forgetting the pines, or would like to know more about it, please write to me by email: jeskalled@gmail.com
The owner of Gallery Paradiso
Independent Artist and Musician, a manager at Gallery Paradiso
3,500 yen (That’s roughly 25.00 US dollars at the moment)
無題ドキュメント むだい mudai documento “Untitled document”
Kanji かんじ 漢字 “Chinese characters” used in Japanese written language
みんなの目の前で描いた Painted in front of everyone
I would LOVE that!!!!! Count me in for NH :) I can't wait!!!!!!
I loved seeing and hearing about your exhibit. Your extraordinary creativity and your willingness to be vulnerable are truly admirable.